BE SERIOUS!

They say there are four stages of life:

1.    You believe in Santa.
2.    You don't believe in Santa.
3.    You are Santa.
4.    You look like Santa.  

Not sure what stage this guy is in, but one thing's for sure—he knows that if you don't ask, you don't get.  

Here's hoping you get everything you're asking for this Christmas, big or small.

Merry Christmas!

Regular or Smoked?

Baked in the oven.  Smoked in the backyard.  Deep fried on the patio.  Each year, turkeys across the nation are put through all sorts of cooking experiments in the name of Thanksgiving tradition and, of course, bragging rights.  No matter whether it's a culinary masterpiece or a bit of a misstep, one thing's for sure: it’s never really about the turkey. It’s about gathering with loved ones around the table (to critique the turkey) and the memories you create together.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Capped a Pipe

Contractors killing power, sinking piles, leveling ground, knocking out supports, gutting buildings, and hanging ducts.  Developers slashing budgets and inspectors cracking down.  Architects cutting sections and taking out square footage.

A lot of shady stuff going on in this industry.

Messy and Expensive

But despite their quirks, engineers are also honest, hard-working, and stress-resistant.  They get excited about things no one else cares about, and they can solve problems you didn't know you had in ways you don't understand.  It may be hard to live with them, but modern civilized society cannot live without them.

Should Really Meet Frank

 

They say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and clearly the beauty of some things is enhanced for those with poor vision.  Take, for example, the man who sued the hospital after his wife had surgery there because she was no longer attracted to him.  Turns out his wife had cataract surgery, and all the hospital did was fix her eyesight.

Reminds me of a lawyer, a priest, and an engineer who were golfing buddies.  One day they found themselves stuck behind an agonizingly slow group of the worst golfers they'd ever seen.  Out of frustration, they storm into the clubhouse to complain.

"They're retired firefighters who lost their eyesight saving orphans from a burning building.  They love to golf, so we let them play for free," said the manager.

"As a man of God, I feel terrible for getting angry at those men," said the priest, ashamed of himself.  "At my next sermon, I'll pass around a collection plate for their families."

"And I'll have my law firm open a case to get them restitution for their injuries," said the lawyer.

The engineer says, "Why can't they just play at night?"
 

I Have All Your Passwords!

Data theft, cloud breeches, malware attacks, phishing--all on the rise and expected to get worse as AI technology improves and cyber criminals grow in sophistication and boldness.  The global cost of cyber crime is expected to reach 10.5 trillion annually by 2025.  

If only we could beat these *@#! criminals at their own game.  Will someone please invent a "reverse malware" malware that detects an attack from a threat actor and immediately launches a reverse attack, infiltrates their network, drains their bank accounts, deletes all their files, destroys their computers, breaks both their legs, and sends law enforcement to their location?

Or better yet, maybe just send a beekeeper. 

No Sense of Direction

We don't need a sense of direction or a back seat driver nearly as much these days since we all have GPS now.  In the old days, GPS was a paper map bought at the corner gas station or torn from a phone book and the back seat driver was responsible for holding the map and saying things like, "You just missed our exit!" or, "I see the problem now--had the map upside down."

A backseat driver and paper map would have come in handy several years ago when I left a meeting and used GPS to navigate to my next meeting.  I drove for miles blindly following the GPS directions, finally arriving 20 minutes later at my destination: the building right next door to the one I just left!

Not Like I Did Anything

 

They say that laziness is really just resting before you get tired.

Did you hear about the lazy engineer who was fired from his engineering job so he opened a medical clinic?  He put a sign above his door that said, "Any ailment cured for $500 or we pay you $1,000."

One day, the director of a competing clinic decides to expose the engineer as a charlatan and pays him a visit. 

Director: "I've lost my sense of taste"

Engineer: "Nurse, put 3 drops from that pink vial on the patient's tongue."

Director: "This is gasoline!"

Engineer: "Congratulations!  Your taste has been restored!  That'll be $500."

A few days later, the director comes back and tries again, this time claiming that he has memory loss.

Engineer: "Nurse, put 3 drops from that pink vial on the patient's tongue."

Director: "But that's gasoline!"

Engineer: "Congratulations!  Your memory loss has been cured!  That'll be $500."

The director returns again several days later determined to get his money back.  "I've lost my vision," he says.

Engineer: "I've got no medicine for that, so here's your $1,000," and he hands the director a one dollar bill.

Director: "But this is only $1!"

Engineer: "Congratulations! Your vision is back! That'll be $500."

Just Too Sick

This guy's got the idea.  So does his boss.  We all need to find a healthy balance between work and play.   

Reminds me of the tweet by @samuel_pollen about how some of us treat personal time away from the office: 

European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September.”

American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime.”

Quick with a Shootin' Iron

 

Reminds me of a help wanted ad for volunteer firefighters: 

Help Wanted

No Pay.

Odd Hours

Cool Hat

This cowpoke may be a bit confused, but he is enthusiastic and looks to be trainable.  They should hire him. 

Everyone knows it's a challenge these days to find the right people.  Seems like the good ones are all happily employed somewhere else.  Desperation can sometimes lead businesses to make questionable hires of people whose only skills are from watching a YouTube tutorial.  To those businesses, Jim Collins, author of Good to Great, offers this wisdom: "When in doubt, don't hire. Keep looking."

Affordable Home

Finally, something affordable!

Rising prices combined with higher interest rates and a shortage of available homes have made it incredibly challenging for prospective buyers—particularly first-time buyers—to afford a home.  This poor house hunter looks a lot like the current state of the economy: his hair is in recession and his stomach is a victim of inflation.

Can't Tell You How Much That Meant

In business and in life, keeping confidences is critical to build and maintain trust, and those who can be trusted to keep confidences are valuable.  The person who says, "I promised to keep this confidential, but..." can't be trusted with a secret, and everyone knows it.  Reminds me of a song lyric from my grandpa's favorite TV show, Hee Haw: "You'll never hear one of us repeating gossip, so you better be sure and listen close the first time!"

At Your Age...

 

Old people are just young people who've been alive for a long time.  And if you live long enough, some parts are going to wear out.  Reminds me of the line from the hilarious I'm In Love With The Walmart Greeter song: "She may be a hundred and five, but she's got a new hip!"

To all Santa's helpers young and old, Merry Christmas!

Thank You That Daddy's Boss Could Join Us

 

Thankful people are happy people.  This dad's probably not too thankful or happy for his kid's honesty right now.

There is always something to be thankful for--air to breathe, sunshine, to be alive.  We can be thankful we're the ones eating Thanksgiving dinner and not the main course.  And even though we may not have everything we want, most of us can be grateful that we don't get what we deserve.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Paperless

Maybe he can find an app for that?  

Our office uses only a small fraction of the paper we used to.  Virtually all communication is electronic.  Almost everything we do is prepared and submitted and filed electronically.  Our plotters and copiers mostly just collect dust.  There are lots of  reasons why this is an improvement, and yet, there are still times when you need some good old-fashioned paper.  This is one of them.

Con Artist

 

At least he's being honest.  Or is he?

When he was a kid, this guy got a pass to leave school early because he claimed his mom was in the hospital and his dad was at the police station.  His mom was a nurse and his dad was a police officer.

Couldn't Resist

 Add this one to the list of jobsite safety hazards.

That There's the Horn

Engineers have a knack for overthinking things.  Wait 'til this guy learns about the accelerator and the brakes.  No doubt he'll spend the next hour pondering potential performance upgrades.  

Reminds me of a keen observation by Scott Adams, the creator of Dilbert: "To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories: (1) things that need to be fixed, and (2) things that will need to be fixed after you’ve had a few minutes to play with them. Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems.”

Preliminary Not For Construction

 

With the quantity and frequency of revisions on some projects, it's not hard to see how occasionally some things aren't built from the latest drawings.  

I've never seen quite like this, but I was sent a picture a few years ago of a large cloud-shaped hole that had been cut in a concrete floor slab.  The contractor had scaled the delta cloud on the plans and then duplicated it on the floor.  Click here for a cartoon commemorating that event.

Encrypted

We all have a good laugh at someone's embarrassing auto-correct typo (or maybe you've turned red by one of your own).  But careful, concise writing that communicates exactly the intended message is critical, especially when the consequences for miscommunication are considerable.  In the old days, poor communication could be blamed on bad handwriting.  That's not an issue today since almost everyone types instead.  But careless writing that is ambiguous, wandering, jargon-laden, or peppered with typos, is the new bad handwriting--and also just as unreadable.